Five Fringe Benefits of Working With A Coach*
* Actually not so fringy and pretty profound once you dive in.
In my interviews with coaches, I’ve been asking the question, “What do you wish everyone knew about coaching?” Behind this is my impression that executive, leadership, and life coaching is still unfamiliar or perplexing to many. My aim is to debunk myths and wrongful assumptions, and in the process, build a catalogue of themes that might lend collective insight.
Here’s a few examples of interviewee responses thus far, demonstrating the range of what’s beginning to emerge:
“You get out of [coaching] what you put into it,” said Em House. “Don’t expect it to happen to you—show up and be the co-creator of the coaching.”
“If you have a deep longing for something and you just can’t allow yourself to get it, coaching is a means to get it,” said Charles Sue-Wah-Sing. “If you have a longing for better relationships, or a better career, or better health, etc.—that’s where coaching is a powerhouse.”
“It’s going to be uncomfortable,” Kerry Woodcock said. “Yes, there should be times when coaching is fun, but lean into the discomfort.”
This past week, I began reflecting on my original question with a slight reframe. Instead of myths, I wondered about the unexpected benefits of working with a coach. What are the extra perks, like a free gift with purchase, or an upgrade to first class? Maybe these aren’t the reasons why a person would consider pursuing coaching initially, but they might tip the scale in its favor for those who are on the fence.
I came up with five fringe benefits. I spent a good bit of time refining and honing them to get it right—to articulate the nuance in each one. And while there’s a bit of crossover in each, I’m hopeful the crossover is building resonance and insight, and that each is also unique and distinct.
So, what are the unexpected benefits of working with a coach?
1. Coaching allows you to broaden and deepen your creative expression.
As a writer, lover of standup, occasional painter, drawer, and vintage shopper, I wish someone would have told me sooner that coaching can be a highly creative approach to self-discovery. But would I have listened?
Like many, I was initially skeptical of the industry’s seemingly less-conventional approaches, as if they meant coaching wasn’t serious enough to be legitimate. (Then I asked myself whether being “serious” is a prerequisite for “legitimate.” It isn’t, or not absolutely.) But my bias is understandable when you consider that, culturally, we’ve anchored mental health and wellness in a medical model of problem solving—identify that something is wrong, gather information, come up with a diagnosis, and recommend treatment. We are perpetually seeking to define “x” because personal growth can feel so uncomfortable, there must be a reason, a why, a problem more profound than, “well, you are a human being.”
Compared to the medical model, coaching’s creativity might feel like you’ve just signed up for clown college. Now I experience it as empowering because it gets me out of my head. But at first, some of coaching’s tools—including elements of improv, acting, metaphor, intuition, and other imaginative techniques—seemed like they were better suited for others. After all, I am a writer. In my world, italics are flamboyant—and you’re asking me to role play? But take heart. Just like working with a fitness trainer, a good coach isn’t going to push you to the point of no return. The goal is to get a little sore, not injured.
2. Coaching gives you a place to explore rough drafts of the self.
Lots of people come to coaching with a clear agenda and defined goals; to veer from the straight and narrow can feel unproductive, or like you’re losing focus. But coaching is also a safe place to experiment or work out rough drafts of who you are, what you want, and how you show up in life.
It’s where you can explore the “junk drawer of the mind”—the proverbial places, sort of messy, sort of organized, where stuff is stashed until it can be dealt with later. You remember some of what’s in there, like there’s the tape measure, scissors, and a few paper clips. But you might not pay attention to, or even see, anything else.
Here you have the contents of my actual kitchen junk drawer, which contains, among other things, one tiny rubber chicken, fancy incense from France, several lip glosses and lotions, three padlocks that no one knows the combos to, a mystery timer thing, and the keys to an Airbnb in Mexico that TIL were never mailed back. (If we want to really open the metaphor, notice the themes: I see energy, privacy, currency, timing, and safety, for starters. Profound, right?!)
You could look at this drawer and think, “what a disorganized mess,” or you could look at this drawer and think, “hmm . . . what an interesting mess.” Coaching is going to take the latter approach, growing curious about what’s stashed in our drawers, and not because the items contain absolute truths—it’s just random stuff. But connecting the dots of the random stuff, this to that, exploring what they could mean, or what we want them to mean, is one way to get to know the self.
so much depends upon
a tiny rubber chicken upside down
in a junk drawer
beside a rock with a string wrapped around it
I forgot that I own a rubber chicken, by the way, but anyone who knows me will tell you this is totally on brand.
3. Coaching offers a blended approach to growth and self-discovery.
Coaches come to the field with a wide variety of backgrounds and career experiences—from C-suite leadership, to finance and technology, to the arts, and more. Coaching itself is interdisciplinary, multi-modal. It is rooted, in part, in positive psychology and emotional intelligence, but it also has elements of systems thinking, organizational development, neuroscience, communications, cultural competency, performance, education, conflict resolution, and more.
I have an example of how I’ve benefitted from coaching’s blended approach, but it is one I am sure no one else can relate to: Years ago, I was overwhelmed by dysfunction at work, and sought the help of a therapist. Therapy offered me some perspective and a safe place to vent, which was very helpful. But in that context, I still felt like something was wrong with me—why was I in such a toxic environment? What about me was attracted to, or contributing to, the mess? Plus, what was wrong with my coworkers—(seriously though, what was wrong with them, they had to be broken, right?!)
Eventually, I started working with a coach, whose blended approach included frameworks to process emotion, aspects of organizational and systems thinking, and years of experience as a trainer and educator. Together we grounded in the perspective that, in fact, all workplaces are messy and functional. Relationships are hard. Coordinating and scaling human activity is stressful and, guess what, people get beat up along the way. It made all the difference. I stopped analyzing myself and shifted my focus to considering what kind of leader I could become in a complex environment.
4. Coaching is a place where you feel valued, supported, and (let’s say it) loved.
One of the tenants of my coaching tradition is that people are “naturally creative, resourceful, and whole.” This isn’t shallow publicity for resiliency and grit, or an attempt to brush off vulnerabilities or shortcomings, but a perspective that we’re capable and honorable despite them. (It is a choice to believe this, by the way. We’ve all been the least-best-versions of ourselves at times; we all have flaws and failures. Let’s call them the table stakes of being alive and move on.)
But the hangover perspective that something is wrong with us runs deep. Inner critics can be so loud! They remind us that we’re either too much or not enough, depending on the day. “Negative” emotions like grief, sadness, helplessness, anger, etc., can twist into the conviction that we’re ugly inside. Confronting big life transitions, or harboring a deep longing for something, or choosing a road less traveled can feel like we’re failing while everyone else finds contentment and happiness in the conventional or status quo.
Yes, I used the word “love” in this fringe benefit, and then I buried it fourth on the list, cushioning it between the rest of the numbers like pillows. But I chose it on purpose. It’s not the language of corporate America, that’s for sure; we typically default to saying we feel “supported” or “respected,” not “loved.” But what if experiencing the coaching relationship—trusting that you are held as naturally creative, resourceful, and whole, that your coach returns to this conviction intentionally and despite your failings, or flakiness, or seeming lack of progress, and that your coach will continue to believe this and have your back—is an important part of what it means to experience love.
Which leads me to my final fringe benefit . . .
5. Coaching facilitates you becoming more coach-like yourself.
I wish I knew that I would become more coach-like by working with a coach. Without a doubt, I’ve learned how to be more empathetic and less judgmental, more curious and less reactionary, more self-aware and less lost through these relationships.
One of my greatest compliments is when a client will say, “I heard your voice in my head!” or “I was channeling my ‘inner coach’ thanks to you!” It’s a chain reaction because I’m channeling my coach and coach friends—we rub off on each other per the idea that we become the composite of the people with whom we spend quality time. In fact, I have go-to coaching questions that I gleaned from coach friends, and I hear their voices in my head every time I use them myself: “What’s the story you’re telling yourself?” and “What do you know to be true?” are two examples.
If you are seeking to strengthen your management or leadership style, working with a coach is a brilliant strategy. More than lip-service, now you’re demonstrating a tangible investment in the model because, in order to coach others, we need to be coachable ourselves.
And there you have it, my five fringe benefits, numbered and annotated. What would you add?
As always, if you are considering whether coaching is right for you, please feel free to reach out. I am happy to have an introductory conversation and recommend additional coaches for you to meet, as well—it’s always good to experience a range of styles and personalities to find your fit. Email me at stephanie@stephaniecoaches.com if you’d like to learn more.