Why icebreakers suck (and a model of one that does not)
It begins with something you already know how to do well.
Why do we hate icebreakers? They often feel misaligned to the group or the purpose of the gathering—that’s one reason.
In general, people are intuitive and wise, and they can tell when an activity doesn’t fit, or when the facilitator is in murky waters, unsure of what they want to achieve.
Here’s a few more reasons why your icebreaker might not land:
Many of them are designed to get people to open up, but they all start to feel the same, and a bit performative, like you dig deep to find your “icebreaker character.”
If a team or a system feels stressed, or if there’s underlying conflict, you’ll likely be met with resistance to icebreakers that are silly or fun. Sorry to say, but you can’t forcefully shift a culture or team dynamic before you’ve dealt with what’s getting in the way of connection.
If people are coming into a work setting with personal challenges on their minds (and who isn’t), they often don’t have the imagination for something creative. Shifting gears on a dime can be challenging.
So, those are a few reasons why your icebreaker may not land. But there’s a solution, and it’s a pretty simple fix.
First, what’s the point of an icebreaker?
For starters, they’ve become a modern-day workplace ritual—and rituals can be effective. They unify and align us. They help us transition from working as independent actors to members of a collective unit. We already design and participate in rituals like this, from setting intentions before yoga, to creating bedtime routines with kids. But icebreakers, in particular, seem to have lost track of their why.
You can restore it with an activity you already, naturally do well.
You start by taking a break.
This isn’t an ordinary chatty coffee break, but one with a bit more structure. It’s an exercise in which you ask the group to reflect and respond to a single question: “What’s on your mind?”
Here’s a step-by-step of how to do this
First, allocate about 5 to 10 percent of your agenda for this activity. If you’re scheduled to meet for an hour, that’s only 6 minutes, and trust me, it’s worth it.
Then, invite people to check in with themselves, and open floor to anyone who wants to share. Remind people to “bottom-line” their contributions so that there’s enough time for everyone to speak—a sentence or two, and anything is welcome. Your daughter made the soccer team. You got a speeding ticket on your way to work. Or, you feel present, and focused, and ready to go.
The point is to contribute what’s going on with you personally as it may affect the dynamic of the team as a whole—this is introspective work—not a time for project updates or announcements.
Establish that this isn’t a time to respond to each other, either. It’s not a dialogue. Instead, it’s an exercise in self awareness, self management, and systems awareness—or, broadly speaking, emotional intelligence.
Next, let participation be voluntary rather than “going around the room.” Get comfortable with a bit of silence if you have to, and normalize that silence might mean people are checking in with themselves but don’t want to speak.
And finally, pay attention to what happens in the room. You’ll notice that nervous systems and mindsets begin to align as people share. Likely, you’ll get a wide range of contributions—from the fun and light, to the real hardships of life—because that’s how systems find their equilibrium.
Now you know who is at your gathering or in your meeting. Now you are ready to get to work.
Here’s a few additional tips for the facilitator
Your role is to fade into the background and let the team reveal what’s present. Introduce the exercise—ask for a volunteer to be timekeeper if you think people might get sidetracked—then practice attuning to the energy of the group. As you do this, you might even consider any adjustments you need to make to the agenda in response.
You’ll notice, too, that people will open up to the level of their comfort and psychological safety: if there’s accrued trust, they might be more vulnerable. But if not, this is a great way to establish space for intimacy to develop.
Keep in mind, it isn’t your be-all, end-all icebreaker, but a foundation that returns a sense of purpose to the “throwaway” portion of the agenda. We’re much more capable of working together when we take an inventory of ourselves first.
Good luck with it, and make it your own. And let me know how it goes—would love to hear.
—Steph
What a great idea.