Communication tips for election week

What to do when you find yourself, or your friends and family, in a "realm"

A registered Democrat, Independent, and Republican walk into a bar … it sounds like the set-up for a problematic joke but it was our reality on Saturday, the eve before the presidential election. The trio of us, one a first-time voter, ate chips and salsa and drank salt-rimmed margaritas out of glasses the size of fish bowls at a hopping Mexican restaurant off of Route 66 in Flagstaff, Ariz. We also discussed the number of campaign-related emails, phone calls, and texts each of us were receiving daily.

“Remind me never to donate again,” the Independent moaned. A physician, she has spent extra time with stressed patients over the past week or so: they are frightened, anxious, and making plans to move to Canada—regardless of party. “People are triggered across the board,” she said.

Then the enchiladas arrived and the conversation turned to volunteer work, novels, and workouts. We may hold different political, cultural, and religious affiliations, but our values are more aligned than not in this election, and I’m grateful. I know this isn’t alway the case.

In the past few weeks, I’ve been writing about the edge model of change. Originating in systems coaching, the model looks like a triangle with one side being the primary or known reality, and the other being the secondary or the unknown reality. The tippy top of the triangle is the edge that we cannot see over—the change that is eminent. As you might imagine, everyone is going to approach an edge in their own way and at their own pace, depending on circumstances: some will be ready to leap over, some will inch toward it cautiously, and some will resist.

But when individuals are forced over an edge, like by an election, for example, many will find themselves frightened, angry, and overwhelmed—in unfamiliar, even hostile, territory. When this happens, we say they have entered a “realm.”

Entering an realm

A “realm,” according to CRR Global’s organization and relationships systems coaching model, is when a person can no longer cope with what is happening in the moment so they enter a state of internal collapse.

Despite every poll or expert prognostication, despite our donating to campaigns, canvassing, and displaying yard signs, despite engaging in persuasive conversations with family members (or even the employees working the drive-through windows at McDonald’s in Boulder City, Nev., for instance) we do not know what the election outcome will be. We do know, however, that roughly 50 percent of those who cast votes will not get what they want, and the fear that they may be on the losing side has thrust many people into realms in advance.

A realm might occur when someone has been held at an edge for too long (like a really long campaign cycle), or is exhausted (by political ads, say), or feeling out of control (by the outcomes.) Collectively, as a nation, I would say we are teetering here—fatigued, overwhelmed, and depleted of coping skills.

Here’s signs that someone has entered a realm:

• The emotional field plummets—it can feel dark, despairing, heavy. It can also feel intractable and absolute.

• The individual has shut down intellectually, or emotionally, or both. They’re blank.

• There’s a resistance to emerging from this state—any new information is rejected.

• It is super contagious.

Familiar, right? The good news is that understanding what a realm is, and how to recognize it, is a great tool for coping and even course-correction.

So, what do you do with a realm?

Keep in mind that realm states are not rational, and when we fall into them, it’s next to impossible for new information to enter the system. I can spin out and into a realm pretty quickly and furiously, for example, when I’m attempting to work with tech support over cable-internet malfunctions. My ability to problem-solve and reason plummet, and then it becomes practically impossible to stay present enough to follow instructions. Cables? Routers? I’ve collapsed.

If we can realm-out over dumb stuff like access to Apple TV, just imagine what we’re falling into with the election.

So, what do we do? One strategy is to take breaks. Step away, clear your mind. Simple, but effective. Then, when you feel ready, you might begin gently engaging with the realm perspective in yourself or others. With genuine sincerity and curiosity, you might explore questions like:

• What is the world like for you right now?

• If your inner world were a landscape, what would it look like?

• If your inner world had its own weather, what would it be?

• What are your beliefs about the world right now?

• How will you take care of yourself right now?

Notice these questions draw on metaphor or sensory language—first, we’re moving out of problem-solving or debate mode, rational mindsets, and into a place of the realm itself. Think of it like a new land that you’re visiting; this land doesn’t require you to corroborate or agree with its culture and values—you’re just exploring it.

If, for example, someone tells you they are living in a dark, cold land with no light, and stormy skies, well, it is easy to see how that would be stressful and hopeless. But then they might also tell you they have a flashlight, and a raincoat.

These are small conversational moves, yes. Tiny pivots. And yet, I believe education is a mighty antidote—merely knowing what a realm state is, and how to recognize one in yourself or others, could give you just enough skill to break through.

I’m not saying it will be easy. These are pretty rugged coaching skills that coaches practice and practice, not something you read about once and then execute perfectly. (Not to mention we’re starting in an intense place with a pretty realmed-out world.) But my hope is that these insights and skills will be useful in some way, over time. Stay flexible and alert for realms around you, and then give them time, space, and attention. See what can happen.