How to understand the coaching epiphany
It's the tiny moments of insight that proceed the "a-ha" moment
In my Cento interviews, I ask coaches to tell me about an “a-ha” moment, a time when they understood the power of coaching for themselves. It’s among my favorite parts of the interview because there’s often a story buried in that sand, a tangible shift in values or perception from I was like this to now I’m like this. Something clicks, or the person gets spun around, turned on, pointed in a new direction. We have so many words for this phenomenon in religion and pop culture (complementary bedfellows for the way both require adherence to a tight code of conduct to be in, otherwise you’re out): Enlightened. Born again. Saved. Woke. With it. Gets it. In the know. Tuned in. Clued in. Switched on. Saw the light. Had a come-to-Jesus moment.
When musicians or actors transcend obscurity to stardom, it marks a kind of mass “a-ha” moment. As outsiders, we link these stars to their breakthrough role or hit single and consider them overnight sensations. Meanwhile, they talk about their sacrifices, about building momentum through self-funded tours in low-rent venues, booking embarrassing commercials, playing bit parts. It’s the legwork that facilitates the breakthrough.
I say all of this because I got to thinking about my own “a-ha” moment regarding coaching: it was more like a slow burn than a sudden burst. I experienced lots of tiny insights and shifts, encountering corners that I could not see around until I could.
Here’s an anecdote from my coaching origin story. One day, early into my first communications role in philanthropy, I was interviewing a program director from a grantee agency when they redirected my line of questioning. I’d begun by asking about the stigma or challenges their program participants faced. Instead of answering, the representative said they’d rather talk about their clients’ empowerment. I remember feeling irritated, like whose interview is this?! After all, a compelling story needs conflict or tension to overcome. But I also realized my shortsightedness: it never occurred to me to cast these program participants the heroes of the story, not the victims.
Several years later, I found myself in my first coaching workshop. It was unlike anything I’d experienced. I considered myself a good communicator and a skilled interviewer, but coaching teaches you to pull on different strands of a story: it was another instance of learning to attune to an individual’s capacity, or their strengths, over their deficits or struggles.
To enter into the coaching mindset, as a client or a student, is to experience a perceptible shift in awareness. This is the woo. It feels a bit like a betrayal of the self to embrace it, like quieting the part of you that you’ve learned to trust the most. It can feel antithetical to critical thinking and thus counter the nature of the media, psychology, academia, even art.
A friend visited a few months ago, and I mentioned something about positive psychology on our way home from dinner—“Wait, what did you say?” she asked. She has worked in academia, holds two master’s degrees, has published several books, developed and curated her own art gallery, and wrote and produced a one-woman show—and she’d never heard the term before. No wonder it can be a rocky road.
When I attended my first training with the Co-Active Training Institute in 2015, we did an exercise called the “Wheel of Life,” which asks you to consider your fulfillment in different realms, from relationships to finances to career. It sounds very basic—and you would think I’d know whether I was happy in my life—but sometimes we lie to ourselves, or we’re not ready to accept a truth, and that’s what I discovered that weekend. Overwhelmed, I realized I could not continue with both things: I couldn’t pursue coach training, which required an honest look inward, and also prop up the life that I still desperately hoped could work. So I abandoned coaching. For a few years. It was the best I could do. Though not an easy experience, I’d count this as my first breakthrough “a-ha” moment.
If we look from the 50,000-foot level at the “a-ha” moments of the coaches I’ve interviewed, a few themes emerge. One is the story of discovering a new sense of self; of moving past blocks or obstacles, real or imagined. Another is the opportunity to process failures or disappointments with a trusted other. And finally, there are stories of broadening and deepening our range as communicators, viewing coaching as a skill or a gift to give others. Written as a list, these epiphanies sound so simple and almost … flat. The color gets stripped. What’s powerful and beautiful becomes more difficult to grasp, not less.